Valentine’s Day is coming. Arm yourself with BitterSweets® candies.
For most, there is no crueler day of the calendar year than that of Valentine’s Day. While a fraction of the population can look forward to a holiday of wine and roses, poetry and song, the vast majority of us know it as a day of nausea and grimacing, trauma and grief. A day in which minutes seem like hours, and hours like days, as we reflect sorrowfully on yesteryear’s romantic indignities, today’s loneliness, and the unknowable but certain heartbreak that will be visited upon us repeatedly in the years to come.
When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering. Introducing BitterSweets® – The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.
Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts of old, BitterSweets® are made of chalky-tasting sugar and have no nutritional value whatsoever. But unlike those other candy hearts, ours are stamped with brutal musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend their Valentine’s Day alone (or wishing they were).
Messages that recall an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Tiffany (or Jake) was “so totally way hotter.”
Despair’s BitterSweets are available in three unique themes- Dejected, Dysfunctional, and Dumped- with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings. And how do they taste? Fantastic, if you like flavors like, “Banana Chalk“, “Grape Dust“, “Essence du Citrucel“, “You-Call-This-Lime” and “Fossilized Rolaid“. Mmmmmm-boy!
Dejected sayings include:
I MISS MY EX • PEAKED AT 17 • MAIL ORDER • TABLE FOR 1 • I CRY ON Q • U C MY BLOG? • LOSS LEADER • A FINE WHINE • MOMMY ISSUES • DIGNITY FREE • DORK MAGNET • PURE NAUSEA • WE HAD PLANS • MAIL ORDER • SETTLE 4LESS • I’M HOT INSIDE
Dysfunctional sayings include:
ANNULMENT • I BEEN CREEPIN • HE CAN LISTEN • GAME ON TV • CALL A 900# • P.S. I LUV ME • DO MY DISHES • BOOTY INFL8N • PAROLE IS UP! • AWFUL INLAWS • SUB PRIME • I WANT HALF • RETURN 2 PIT • NO FIX 4 DUMB • RATHER DRINK • MUTUAL DISGUST
Dumped sayings include:
I GOT SOBER • HE FIT U FAT • U LEFT SEATUP • USED U 4 FUN • JUST A FRIEND • BACK 2 KENNEL • DORKA PHOBIC • U HAVE A BLOG • RUSSIAN BRIDE • CELEB8 THX2U • DOG IS CUTER • TRADIN YOU IN • FORGET WE MET • KISS A FROG • SHE IS 22! • HE HAS A JOB
Truly, BitterSweets are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.
(You know what we’re talking about.)
Made in a facility that processes nuts and peanuts.
(So watch yourself, Haverchuck.)
ABOUT DESPAIR INC.
Despair Inc. is a specialty retailer for pessimists that is nationally and internationally renowned for innovative, high-quality humor products.