So we were all like “hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if somebody invented like a webpage thingie for Despair that you could easily update and throw videos and photos and random posts and reviews and really any other sort of junk that crossed your mind onto?”
But then they were all like, “That is the most poorly structured sentence I’ve ever heard uttered.”
Daily commentary, weekly videos. Brought to you with limited commercial interruption. For her pleasure.
You aren't being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.
If a pretty poster and a cute saying are all it takes to motivate you, you probably have a... (cont.)
The journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very badly.
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
None of us is as dumb as all of us.
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions.
Because the rest of us think you're an idiot.
It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.
You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an... (cont.)
Not everyone gets to be an astronaut when they grow up.
Hundreds of years from now, it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house... (cont.)
I expected times like this - but I never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
Because soaring with the eagles requires so much more effort.
When a motivated group of people join together, they can turn problems into opportunities. ... (cont.)
The bad news is robots can do your job now. The good news is we're now hiring robot repair... (cont.)
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all of the unhappy people.
Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.
If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team.
Just like teamwork. Only without the work.
Some things can not be overcome with determination and a positive attitude.
If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the... (cont.)
Because making it look good now is more important than providing adequate support later.
May not be warranted at this point.
Just because you're necessary doesn't mean you're important.
A code word lazy people use when they want you to do all the work.
The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.
Until you spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Every man dies. But not every man truly lives only to die of sheer stupidity.
Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99% perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes... (cont.)
The price of freedom keeps going up, but the quality keeps deteriorating.
The mark of the leader is the ability to make decisions. The mark of the survivor is... (cont.)
A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.
Helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless- so their art can have meaning to the... (cont.)
The discovery that you're no longer a big fish in a small pond, or even a small fish in a... (cont.)
There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.
Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence.
When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts,... (cont.)
Because the easiest way to steal your wealth is by cheapening your money.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.
If you're tired of others looking down on you, grow the hell up.
Less is more. Unless you're standing next to the one with more. Then less just looks... (cont.)
Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.
It's only a virtue if you're not a screwup.
It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.
All we ask here is that you give us your heart.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Because you've given so much of yourself to the company that you don't have anything left... (cont.)
The downside of being better than everyone else is that people tend to assume you're... (cont.)
It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.
Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed often and for the same reason.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood. And Robert Frost took the one less traveled. Of... (cont.)
If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone.... (cont.)
If you never try anything new, you'll miss out on many of life's great disappointments.
Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there... (cont.)
No single raindrop believes it is to blame for the flood.
When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly... (cont.)
It's over, man. Let her go.
Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
Some people dream of success, while other people live to crush those dreams.
Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them.
Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.
At some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.
Minds are like parachutes. Just because you've lost yours doesn't mean you can borrow mine.
As long as there are children in the world, there will never be any real peace.
All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
The early worm is for the birds.
Before you attempt to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
You were meant for me. Perhaps as a punishment.
The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march.
You can fool all of the people all of the time if your effects budget is large enough.
Because we're not satisfied until you're not satisfied.
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies right to our... (cont.)
With focus, dedication and steroids, men can achieve impossible dreams. Like breaking a... (cont.)
How can the future be so hard to predict when all of my worst fears keep coming true?
If it can make your job easier, it can probably make it irrelevant.
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
Love is in the air. And it's pooping on my head.
Just because you think you're a star doesn't mean you're going anywhere.
From each according to his ability, to each according to his lack thereof.
What is The Secret? Pretend you've already achieved it- Then offer to sell The Secret to... (cont.)
It's best to avoid standing directly between a competitive jerk and his goals.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but you'd be a fool to withhold... (cont.)
Leaders are like eagles. We don't have either of them here.
I may not agree with what you say, but I respect your right to be punished for it.
The less you stand out, the longer you'll last.
Proudly defending the status quo long after the quo has lost its status.
The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower.
Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world, because there's nothing the world... (cont.)
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
If you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.
The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.The smart left a long time ago.
It's difficult to comprehend how insane some people can be. Especially when you're insane.
We promote family values here - almost as often as we promote family members.
I am Dr. Adewole Aremu- a director with the Union Bank of Nigeria in Lagos - and I wish to... (cont.)
If we don't take care of the customer,maybe they'll stop bugging us.
Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.
That which does not kill me postpones the inevitable.
There comes a time when every team must learn to make individual sacrifices.
If we really cared for the customer we'd send them somewhere better.
Attitudes are contagious. Mine might kill you.
Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress.
When your best just isn't good enough.
As long as we have each other, we'll never run out of problems.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
The harder you try, the dumber you look.
When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in... (cont.)
Having your moment in the sun isn't always a good thing.
It takes months to find a customer, but only seconds to lose one... the good news is that... (cont.)
Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.
Not all pain is gain.
For every winner, there are dozens of losers. Odds are you're one of them.
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
Time heals all wounds. But it usually leaves a pretty big scar.
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
While good fortune often eludes you, this kind never misses.
Like the Hunger Games- many will play. And only one may be left standing.
Will meeting you be the highlight of someone's life? Then let them know!
Is your very presence a reason for calm? Relief? Joy? Then why not announce it?
Are you constantly at risk of exploding? Don't you think you ought to warn people then?
Who ISN'T under dangerous amounts of pressure these days? YOU sure are! So warn people!
Not everyone chooses their words carefully. Some are outright corrosive. Like you.
Everyone knows a loudmouth. Oh you don't? Then it's YOU. And you need this shirt. NOW!
Solyndra. It seemed like a bright idea at the time.
Choose the form of the Destructor! Elephant? Jackass? Choose! Choose and perish!
(If you don't get it, ask a Mime to explain. THEN beat him up. You know you want to.)
Admit it to yourself. You are amazing. Now admit it to others. This shirt will help.
Occasionally, the Pessimist can see something as half-full. Optimists, for example.
Want to make a quick buck as a fitness trainer without being fit? Ask for cash upfront!
Superiority complex? Not at all. In fact, it couldn't be simpler! Just use this formula.
Are you sick of always having to choose between nauseating candidates? Like really sick?
The race to create the world's most ironic t-shirt is finally over. And guess who won?
Don't worry. Your naked photos are safe with with the TSA. Really. Trust them.
Wear this TSA shirt next time you fly and you'll REALLY have a touching experience!
It's not your fault that you turned out so poorly. Or so you tell yourself. Now tell others.
Are you hotter than a piping Venti Double Expresso? Maybe you ought to warn folks.
It's time to tell the person in front of you just exactly where they stand.
BP is bringing oil to American shores. By sea, in fact.
ADHD. Some of us recall when it used to be called 'being a kid' and didn't require meds.
Are you so dang amazing you simply defy conventional superlatives? Here's your shirt!
introducing a t-shirt that's as good a conversation starter as a conversation ender!
Wish you could be the Center of Attention for a change? This shirt can help. Really.
Meet the pessimistic answer to the "That's How I Roll" meme! It's all Greek to us!
Tuna is the Chicken of the Sea. The Sea Cow is the Hamburger. (Yeah. We went there.)
Have a reputation for not censoring yourself? Be honest, you #@%@#.
Some of us used to have to walk miles uphill, both ways, to stalk... Thanks Facebook!
Exaggeration is a terrible habit. Yet trillions of us can't seem to help ourselves.
Karate Master Pat Morita once said, "If do right, no can defense." (Thanks Pat. Thanks a... (cont.)
Social Media. Proudly straddling the intersections of ADHD, Narcissism and Stalking.
Do you LOVE hip vintage swag- but HATE wearing used clothing? Here's your solution!
Twitter. Never before have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.
The world's fastest man has a dark secret. He lives a double-life as a serial flasher!
Once you drive a Toyota, you'll never stop. It's an undocumented feature now, actually.
Do you take self-improvement very seriously- especially when it comes to others?
Vote Whig. Yes, we're dead serious. They can't possibly be worse.
The Feds bailed out General Motors. All they asked in return was a wee bit of rebranding.
Bad news, Vader. Even the awesome power of the Dark Side has its limits.
No, it's not a duck, kids. In fact, it's a lot tougher than those pansy Skyrim dragons.
If you think the problems we create are bad, just wait until you see our solutions!
I expected times like this- but never thought they'd be so bad, so long, and so frequent.
And besides, everybody else was doing it - and it shouldn't be forbidden anyway.
It's the ultimate knock-knock joke. Tell it- and watch the color drain from their faces.
Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid.
I'm right behind you. Using you as a shield.
Until your spread your wings, you'll have no idea how far you can walk.
Optimists and Pessimists aren't the only ones with perspectives on a glass!
More people have read this t-shirt than your blog. (And the t-shirt counter reads "000002".)
Not all jobs have gone overseas... This t-shirt was Made in the USA! (By robots.)
Despair's Demotivator Calendar - Choose the starting month, the demotivational designs, and... (cont.)
Each poster is 24" x 30", printed on heavy-weight, premium paper stock, and perfect for... (cont.)
Specifically engineered by the chronically cynical pessimists of Despair Laboratories, this... (cont.)
Beautify your office, home or dorm room with Demotivator Desktoppers.
Our three unique collections of Demotivator Notecard Packs will turbo-charge your... (cont.)
Could it possibly be true? Did the world's most notorious con-artist, Charles Ponzi... (cont.)
Finally, a tool to transfer liquids to your mouth.
